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Good Afternoon! And welcome to "Authentic Living" with Andrew Mathews. Over in the next hour, you learn how to see your true self in the midst of life's twists and turns. You'll be challenged to think outside of the box when it comes to the mistery's of life. Now here's your host: Andrew Mathews.
Welcome to "Authentic Living"! Today we are going to talk with Paul Ferrini. He has talked to us about his two very relevant Books "Embracing your True Self" and "Real Happiness". Paul is Author of 40 inspirational Books about Love, Healing and Forgiveness. He didn't strike the unique, blend a spirituality and sarcology that draws from the wisdom traditions from both east and west.[?] bla bla bla...Thank you Paul that you talk with us:
Paul: Thank you Andrews it's cute to be here.
Andrews: Ok, lets discuss Embracing the True Self.
Paul: Yeah, there's so much to discuss about. Yeah, We could start with it....
Andrews: Okay. Well, I love the way you describe the core self when you talk about a core self as a connection point between the divine origin and the human incarnation(Menschwerdung Gottes). Can you help us to understand it a bit better?
Paul: Sure ... Core self is kind of a new neutral word to talk about our spirital essence. Some people are very comfortable to talk about a divine origin(göttliche Quelle) or talking about God. Other people are not so comfortable using these terms. But the "core Self" gives us a way of talking about an aspect of each of us that is eternal(ewig) and it's not limited to the forms that we have in this world nor is it limited to the experiences that we have in this world. A lot of what we experience in this world is a lot of wounding and a lot of shame and a lot of feelings that are overwhelming(überwältigend) to us that we begin to feel somehow that always is. The Core Self reminds us that there is an aspect of us which is pure(echt, unverfälscht), which is unstained(ungefleckt), which can never be wounded and in order to do our healing work it's really important to connect to that essence within, to that core self within.
Andrews: Okay, that's beautiful. I'm so glad that you said that about that part of us can never be wounded, because I do think so much that we are identifying with the parts of us that are not happy, and you speaks of this! Identifying with our wounds.... So that you just really can't see beyond that, you can't see that there's another promise within us.
Paul: Yeah. There are two types of denial(Verleugnung) that I am finding out there. One is that people denie the fact that they are in pain and they wear very strong spiritual masks, pretending(vortäuschen) that they are happy all the time and that they got their lifes together. Means that underneath those masks they have all kinds of insecurity and fears and reactive behaviour patterns... It just don't work, that mask. Soon or later it get's ripped of by life(zerrissen vom Leben). Thats one part of denial.
The other form of denial is that we acknowledge(eingestehen) the pain, that's not that difficult. We feel the pain, but we get very much identified with it, and we think "That's all our life is". The Pain that we are caring, the shame that we are caring. And it's very difficult for us to heal, while we identified us with our pain.
So both of those forms, denial of the darkness and denial of the light prevend(hindern) us from healing.
Andrews: Well, that's very well said, very well said. So, how would you say that the wounds themselves interacts with the core self?
Paul: Well that's very interesting, because the wound itselve doesn't interact with the core self! Call it the problem! Or I shouldn't call it the problem, that's part of the setup(Falle) for our incarnation.
Andrews: Yes.
Paul: So we have to find a way to embrace our shadow, to even(gleichermaßen) touch the core self. It's ironic: We think that by denying our shadow we are just going to the light. There are any of others connect with the core self and it's really just the opposite. It just shows that we stand up building a spiritual mask and making it impossible for us to connect with our essence. So ironicly and paradoxicly in order to come to the place within us, which cannot be wounded, we need to go the shadow world and learn to bring love to the parts of ourselves, that are wounded. We need to embrace our shadows, we need to move to that dark night of the soul and when we do, then we discover that essence within us, which has never been wounded. But not only within us, but within everyone else, including our parents, who might have wounded us and other authority figures in our life, that may have given a difficult time growing out(Kindheit).
Andrews: Right, Right. So, we are talking about a little bit about that forgiveness thing, right?
Paul: Yeah. It is a difficult topic.
Andrews: Yes it is, it is so confusing to so many others. So we will talk about this some more later, when we talk about Real Happiness, but just for right now: When we talk about forgiveness, we are not just talking about "all i am over that" or you know "I am just gonna let that go". We are talking about something more deeper.
Paul: Yeah, what you said is denial. That's not forgiveness.
Andrews: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.
Paul: What we have to understand is that human beings make mistakes, this is inevitable(unvermeidbar) for all of us. We don't come here having already learned how to love ourselves and others. We come here to learn how to do that. And in the process of learning we make a lot of mistakes. So once we accept that it's just the given, then we can really understand what forgiveness is all about in life, it's necessary. If we can understand that a mistake is an opportunity to learn and to grow, then we can begin to use..ah...every experience that happens in our life is an opportunity to go beyond what we knew before, to learn something different.
On the other hand, if we resist the idea that we are here to learn, we think we are already supposed to know everything, we think we are already supposed to be perfect and that it's shame for not to know something or to being perfect. Then we have a very difficult time practicing forgiveness and without forgiveness, it's impossible to discover the core self.
Andrews: Right, Right. And you know, you talked a lot of loving the shadow. I think it's worth mentioning that a lot of time ago someone said: "Love it? How will you gonna love it?" bla bla bla
Paul: Yeah and also to really understand the most basic terms, what love is. Love begins with Acceptance. So that the first step in dealing with the shadow is simply to recognize that it's there. What I recognize there is a part of me I don't really feel good about. There's a part of me that I am in Judgement of, maybe that part of me was what my daddy or my mummy was in judgment of and I internalised(sich zu Eigen machen) those judgments(Urteile). But there is an aspect of me that judges me and all of that is relegated(verbannt) to the unconscious(unbewusst) to the shadow we hide and I try to build a mask to pretend(vortäuschen), that that shadow wasn't there. Where is underneath the surface, I feel every deep sense of avoidingess. That enables me to know that "yes, it is there". There is a part of me, I have trouble loving and accepting.
So the first step is just to see it, to acknowledge(eingestehen), to accept it. I call it: "Giving your arms around your whole experience." Let's suppose(Gesetzt den Fall) that just selecting your personal experience is acceptable and stuffing the rest. We recognize that our spirits enjoy's it about giving our arms around our entire experience. Things that we like as well as things that we don't like. Breakthroughs that we have, including great challenges that faces(begegnen) in our lives.
Andrews: Yeah. And so, that, when we are awaken, you have made a distinction(Unterschied) between the core self and the true self. You call the true self the spiritual awakening. What generally happens to awaken us to that true self is those crisis you should talk about, is this correct?
Paul: Yeah. To really understand what the true self is we have to talk about the core self. The core self is creative, it's a part of our mask and it's creative and it attempt to get love and accept of other people, particularly(besonders) from our parents. We are all born into a world in which most of the love which is available is conditional love and others are just as wounded as we are. So as a result we kind of twist(verdrehen) ourselves into praxis trying to please(gefallen) other people in the hope that we get the love that we want. In the end that turns out not to be true, we don't ever get the love that we want, would we build this elaborate(druchdachtes) self image, which we call the true self? I mean the core self around is trying to get that love. And within there are all kinds of patterns of self-betrayal(Selbstverrat).
So in order to begin to talk about the true self we have to see all those patterns of self-betrayal and we need to end them. It's only when we can end those patterns that the possibility of this truth self exists.
Andrews: Right. But we can not end those things by just deciding when they are [?] stop doing that, we need to do something more deeper work, right?
Paul: This is a praxis of mental and emotional healing and the emotional part is a part that most people don't want to deal with. People are pretty open to the idea that they can change their mind but they don't realise that the focus they have, particularly the [deitdeijl] that believes are established in the emotional body and they are very pregnant abilities and all of them were shamed and all of them were based in some deep sense of [unavoidingess.
That I don't matter were, that other people are more important then I am. And we are walking around those bodies but we have very primitive believes that we adopted and shelled(beschossen) while they are running alight(in Flammen). Okay, and so it's really important that we begin to understand what these beliefs are and how they are running our life so that we begin to bring awareness(Achtsamkeit) to that and begin the process of transformation.
Andrews: Okay. blabla... Might you bring an example of those beliefs?
Paul: Sure. For example: When we were little, we may find that we have a parent who is not able to take care themselves, maybe they are sickly or maybe they have some sort of a addiction to drugs and alcohol or somehow they are not able to function as adult. So as children we may grow up, adopting a role of being a caretaker, trying to be a mummy to our mummy or a daddy to our daddy. Obviously we are not equipped as kids to play these roles. So what we do is, we give our childhood(Kindheit) away and we end up trying to take care about our parents. And the belief is there, as less i take care about my mummy, i won't get loved. It's not conscious(bewusst) this belief, but this is what is ingrained(tiefsitzend). And then later in life for example we may meet somebody, who is just like mummy and marry him, and our primary role that we play in that persons life is to be the caretaker for that person. Because there inside there is the belief: "As less i take care of somebody, i won't be loved".
Andrews: Hmmm.
Paul: And that ruins our life.
Andrews: Right.
Paul: That's just a broad(breit) painting of a very specific thing, that we are involved. Everyone has a unique way of playing that role and there are other roles as well.
Andrews: Absolutely. That's a very good example and so true. And I guess you know when we did start talking about our patterns and what we wanna do is self-blame instead of recognizing that we pick these things up as a part of a sort of idea that this is gonna help me to survive.
Paul: Yes and this is where the inner child feeling comes in, which is so important. Because a lot of times we use a word like "shadow" or whatever. We don't really feel
compassion(Mitgefühl). If we can imagine the shadow as a wounded child, we have all been around children who are sad or angry.. And we know that there is a lot of pain involved in that. So if we can see our own arrested childhood, if we can see the little boy or the little girl in us, who didn't get the love, that he or she needed when growing up. Then we can get that kid on our wraps and we can give love to that kid. And, at first, that is not as easy as it sounds, because we are ashamed of that child, we want to push that child away. The child is embarassing(peinlich), it's too needy. So we begin the process of making friends with that little kid or that shadow inside ourself. And really feeling, that kid is in pain, really understanding and this primitive side of ourself that doesn't feel loved and we have to compassion and learn to bring love to it. This "inner child work" is part of the incredible emotional healing journey that happens through this work.
When we really reclaim our lost childhood, we really learn to bring love to our own experience, when our parents were not able to do that for us. We actually(sogar) go back and it's kind of a reriding and undoing the old patterns and putting new patterns in place, that are more positive.
Andrews: Absolutely. Absolutely. Very well said. So, you describe in your book something you call "existential wound". What do you mean by that?
Paul: Well, the existential wound is just a fact, that we come here to learn and the way that we learn is by being wounded. You know I am a soul rebel, why would be here, if we didn't have something to learn and how are we gonna to realize that we have something to learn and less we get some kind of a wake up call in our life? All pain has a purpose(Zweck). So if we are all born as little buddha babys to perfect parents, we would have nothing to do here, nothing to learn. But we come in with specific lessons to learn and we are attracted to parents based in the ability to create the environment in which we can learn our lessons.
Andrews: Right. So what you say is that we have much to think our parents, for even though they want, they are pretty far from ideal.
Paul: Absolutely. (Andrews whispers: Absolutely...) What happens? Two very important things happens in this world. Forgiving our parents is one of them, because we understand, we come to understand that they never could have abused(misshandeln) us, if they were themselves abused. And they simply did to us, what was done to them, by their parents and other authority figures in their lifes. You know it's just said in the bible: "The father is passed on from generation to generation". This generation will heal or the wounds will pass on. But once we are able to say: "Stop!" and nothing of this, "I'm gonna take time to heal my wounds", then we can stop to passing it on, to our children. Or if we already passed the wound on then we can help them to modelling their own healing process to understand what is necessary to stop that passing it on to their kids.
Andrews: Right. Right. So you talk often about the three stages of healing and transformation, can you just a sort of giving us a pre-overview of those?
Paul: Mhmhm. Well the first phase is the awaken-phase. And this is the phase where we really understand that the pain must be acknowledged(eingestehen), that it can't be hidden, we can't [anaph---bite?], drinking, or drugging or having promiscuous(wahllos) sex or eating or doing all the addictive(süchtig machend) things that we do, that we don't feel our pain. It's important that we feel our pain. Our Pain is there for a reason. Our Pain is saying: "There is something here, that is our own adjustment(Korrektur), there is something here that needs to be looked at it and adressed. Something needs to come in alignment(Anpassung) here." So it's time to bring awareness(Bewusstsein). Pain is a wake up call. So the first part of the praxis is acknoledging the pain or ...
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